I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
