I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize