your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
