When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
