I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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