Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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