sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
