Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
