I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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