Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
