she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
