atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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