dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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