theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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