i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
