One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
