Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
