I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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