Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
A bitchslap is in order.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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