just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
jump out the window naked night went bad
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