There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
