He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
