i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
