She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
