I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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