So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
