hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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