Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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