happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
