how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
