I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
