That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
