I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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