shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I looked at my own cervix.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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