I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
