the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
