Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
