New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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