I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
