My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
