I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
