No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
