Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
