oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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