There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize