dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
