Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
