how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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