I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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