Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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