His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize