Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
