I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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