im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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