where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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