I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
